


It's your fault

by Humanity_Strongest_001, Levi__Acker_Gay



Series: The suffering of Alec Lightwood [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Bad Parabatai Jace Wayland, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Insecurity, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Verbal Abuse, only slightly though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:03:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24474682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humanity_Strongest_001/pseuds/Humanity_Strongest_001, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levi__Acker_Gay/pseuds/Levi__Acker_Gay
Summary: YOUR FAULT.IT'S YOUR FAULT.The constant barrage of voices was drowned out by one, single, loud screaming voice.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood
Series: The suffering of Alec Lightwood [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742491
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	It's your fault

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Justmymalec](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justmymalec/gifts).



> Gifted to Justmymalec for her amazing fanfics, and her continuous support on my fics, so thanks xxx <3

YOUR FAULT

  
IT'S YOUR FAULT ALL YOUR FAULT.

The constant barrage of voices was drowned out by one, single, loud screaming voice.

'YOUR FAULT. And it was true as well,' he thought, 'he should have been watching, making sure they were okay, his sister, his parabatai, Clary even. He should not have failed them, should not have been distracted. Should not have been weak. Useless.'

He ceased the pacing and crouched down instead, counting as he inhaled 1...2...3, before exhaling 1...2...3; trying to control his breathing and the rising panic before it got worse.

He laughed aloud, sounding manic, even to his own crazy mind. He was glad he had managed to get back to the privacy of his own room.

Alec sank further down to the floor, and crawled forward, feeling stupid. He turned, so his back was leaning against the dark wood of the door.

He laughed again at his own uselessness. 'By the Angel he was pathetic.'

Alec's pale, rune-scarrred hands went to his head as his laugh turned into a choked sob. He pulled at his raven locks hard, remembering Jace's words from earlier that day, 'his true words,' Alec thought.

..

"It's your fault, Alec" Jace shouted angrily, shoving him backwards hard. "Your fault your sister Isabelle and Clary are hurt," Jace snarled the words at him, backing Alec up until his back hit the panelled wall in the corridoor outside the infirmary, his face inches from Alec's.

The look of pure hatred in Jace's icy gold eyes made Alec want to run, 'like a coward,' he thought, 'to the training room, the roof or his bedroom.'

"You're useless," he carried on. "If they die, I will take you apart slowly with my bare hands. Slowly, and painfully. You know, "Jace said half turning, "the only thing I liked about you was your warlock BOYfriend." There was clear emphasis on the word 'boy.'

Alec cringed at the words utterence, cringing into himself, his shoulders hunching, but Jace continued with his cruel, 'and truthful' words - his mind interjected, unhelpfully.  
"But Magnus does not deserve to be dragged down by YOU!" Jace injected as much venom as he could into the last word, "he's the high warlock of Brooklyn. You're just an under-average shadowhunter, who should be stripped of his runes" he added, almost as an afterthought.

Tears welled up in Alec's wide blue eyes, but he blinked them away, not wanting to appear more weak then he was already acting. In a quiet whisper, he said "I'm truly sorr-" but was cut off before he could finish.

"I'm sorry too. Sorry that it wasn't you who was injured and poisned. You would have deserved it though, wouldn't you?" Alec nodded, gasping slightly, as Jace contined again, "always letting us down and our parents and" Jace leaned in close, his breath tickling Alec's skin, "Max."

Alec gasped again at that, eyes widening in shock and horror. Smirking Jace added, "I have no idea what was going through my mind when I asked you to be my parabatai. Wait, I do. Sympathy. You were always a shit shadownhunter, the Clave knows it, your parents know it, Izzy, Max and I know it too."  
Alec couldn't stop the tears falling this time. "Did you know that Robert asked me not to go through with the parabatai ceremony. That he didn't want to see me dragged down by you." Alec inhaled sharply at the revelation.

Jace, ignoring Alec's tears, raised his fist and slammed it into Alec's stomach, ignoring the wetness of blood on his fist from punching him, dismissing it as Izzy's.

"I'm going to go, and make sure my sister and girlfriend are okay" Jace said, stepping away. "They're hurt because of your weaknesses" he snarked over his shoulder before disappearing through the double doors of the infirmary, going to the to girls inside and Magnus.

A few moments after Jace left, Alec had wiped away his tears and stumbled to his room, ignoring the stabbing pain in his abdomen. He told himself he deserved the pain, deserved to suffer for being such a failure.

..

Alec wanted to run back to the infirmary, back to Magnus, and throw himself into the warlocks arms and cry. However he did not deserve love, that he pain, but was secretly afraid of Magnus repeating Jace's words. Saying to him that he hated him.  
Alec reached into his weapons belt and pulled out a small dagger.

He let out a shaky breath as he pressed the cold metal to his warm skin. He pressed down hard, as he dragged the blade through his flesh, tearing it open not for the first time, but for the first time in ages, since he met Magnus.

Blood welled instantly, and the screaming voices in his head quietened, and blood trickled down his arm like a river of red.

'They deserve to be happy, away from you' Alec thought, already making another cut. He dragged the blade through the skin of his inner forearm, beneath the crook of his elbow, again and again, until his hands were shaky from the bloodloss. He slumped back against the door, dropping the blade with a clatter.

'He should change,' he thought, as he glanced down at his blood and ichor streaked shirt. It was also torn, 'another shirt for the trash,' he thought glumly. He managed to get to his feet, using the wall as a prop to lean against. He managed to pull the shirt over his head, wincing as the throbbing in his abdomen increased as he stretched the wound.  
He had to yank out the material from the wound along his stomach. 'Oh,' he thought with what ammounted to mild interest, 'he'd been bitten.'

His mind felt fuzzy. Alec dropped the ruined shirt in his hand, frowning when he couldn't quiet grip the shirt tight enough in his grip. 'It seems Jace fot his revenge. He wouldn't have to take me apart slowly now,' Alec thought before collapsing, picturing Jace's snarling and hateful vace in his mind as he fell against the door, the poison pumping through him, making his limbs spasm.  
'This is it. This is the end,' he thought.

'NO!' he shouted at himself, 'he needed to make sure Izzy was okay.' He reached up with blood streaked fingers, adrenaline fueling his slow and jurky movements, and tried to unlock the door, successfully managing to slide the dead bolt across the door after the third attempt.

However, Alec could no longer move. His fingers twitched as he tried to clench them. He slumped forward again, unconsious, head thunking against the door handle as he fell.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I know Jace would never actually say this in the book/show  
> If you liked it, kudos and comments are most appreciated  
> Suggestions are welcome (can be fluffy or angsty)  
> Thanks for reading <3  
> I may do Magnus and Jace talking in another chapter, if you want.


End file.
